Losing my job

Losing my job shook me in ways I never imagined. The first days were heavy, grief in my chest, my body tired, my spirit quiet. I hit a low I didn’t see coming. Even my body asked me to slow down. I rested. I cried. I healed. And somewhere between the tears and the deep breaths, I remembered who I am. I am not my setback. I am not my worst day. I am resilience wrapped in softness. I was at the bottom. But now. I am climbing back up.

I got fired...

got fired from my job, and it broke something in me. I have never been fired for being incompetent. Never for not being able to do the job. But even before it happened, I was already walking around feeling like a dumbass, like I wasn’t good enough, like maybe everyone else could see something in me that I couldn’t fix. And then I got sick. Wrong prescription. Two days of throwing up. Yellow bile coming out of me. A little blood sometimes. That scared me. I was weak, shaking, stuck in bed. And while I’m there sick, alone, exhausted, it’s like life just says, “Oh, don’t forget, no paycheck next week, you’re fired.” I was already down. Then my body gave out too. I was supposed to go to a vision board workshop this morning. A room full of hope and magazines and future plans. But I couldn’t even get out of bed. I didn’t have it in me. Later I see the pictures posted of everyone smiling, creating, dreaming. And I’m just… here. Then someone posted lyrics from a song: “I’m not the things my family did. I’m not the voices in my head. I am not the pieces of brokenness inside. I am not the mistakes that I made or the things that caused me pain. I am not the pieces of the dreams I left behind.” And all I could think was that I feel like I am those things. I feel like I am the mistakes. I am the broken pieces. I am the dreams I didn’t finish. When I feel like this, I shut down. I usually call my sisters. But lately I don’t. Because what I just feel like I’m just a burden. My mom calls. But I can’t tell her the truth. I can’t handle the interrogation. I can’t handle the life lessons when I’m barely holding myself together. And I guess what I’m really trying to say is this: sometimes it feels like we are completely alone. Like nobody is coming to save you. Like even if you scream, there’s no one there to really hear you.

roller coaster

February 1, 2026 Today felt like a roller coaster, emotionally and physically. The morning started on a good note — I had energy. I did laundry, organized a bit, cleaned the living room, and even put wallpaper on the wall. For a moment, it felt good to feel productive, like I was moving forward. But then my body reminded me that it has limits. At the laundromat, while folding clothes and bending over, my legs started hurting badly — especially the left one. It felt like nerve pain running down the back of my legs, and by the time I was done, the motivation I had earlier was gone. I wanted to clean the bathroom, but my body just wouldn’t cooperate. Emotionally, I’m all over the place. Sometimes I feel okay, even happy. Other times I feel heavy, confused, and just tired of everything. Not in a dramatic way — just in a “I wish things were easier” kind of way. I don’t fully understand what I’m feeling right now, and that uncertainty is uncomfortable. There were good moments today. I had fun with my stepson. We colored together, laughed, and that mattered. I’m grateful for those moments. I’m having some wine tonight, trying to relax, trying to sit with myself instead of running from my thoughts. Right now, I’m sitting at my desk, talking this out, and feeling confused — but also aware. I don’t have clarity tonight, and that’s okay. Today wasn’t all good or all bad. It was just human. For now, that’s enough.

Seven years ago I took this picture — in a classroom that never truly felt like mine. I was always reminded of my place, always feeling overshadowed, unheard, and sometimes even pushed down. Back then, I had no idea who I was becoming. Today, I stand here as my own person. I am featured in a book where I had the chance to tell the beginning of my story — the start of my adult journey. I have a podcast where I laugh, cry, sip wine, and share not only my story, but the stories of other incredible people. I never saw that coming. And at 47 years old, I started a new career. The beginning was not easy — I struggled, doubted myself, questioned if I even belonged. There are still days when I feel lost or unsure, but there are also days when I love it. Days where I feel proud. Days where I know I’m growing. I’m part of an amazing group of people now — people who lift each other up, who support one another, who show up with kindness and passion for what they do. For the first time, I feel like I am in a space filled with encouragement instead of doubt. I want to touch lives in a positive way. For years I believed I was leaving the opposite mark — because that’s what I was told. But today I see my strength, my progress, and my courage. And I’m proud of myself for stepping into a new chapter even when it scared me. This year wasn’t easy. Depression showed up. It stayed longer than I wished. It took time to climb out — step by step, little by little. But I’m ending 2025 feeling motivated again… feeling like myself again… feeling hopeful. My wish for the new year is simple: ✨ To continue growing. ✨ To stay motivated. ✨ To not let depression settle in again. ✨ To keep choosing myself. That’s all I can do — and I’m proud of how far I’ve come. Here’s to more healing, more learning, more courage, more joy. I may be almost 50, but my journey is just beginning. 💛 Cheers to the next chapter. 🥂

FINALLY LAST ONE FROM THE OLD BLOG

Sunday, November 8, 2009 since nobody... is reading my blog, I will just write whatever I want whatever is in my head, my feelings my depressions, that will keep people way for sure, but what's the point, my life suck so bad, that I can't even think other words anymore, sometimes I ask God why not just take me from here, what is the point of all this, leaving like this, like looser, like a big pathetic looser I don't even know if I am spelling looser right, don't care, i am just really tired of leaving meaningless shit life. there I said it, more like I wrote it, typed actually, blah blah blah.

OLD OLD STILL FROM BLOG

Wednesday, November 4, 2009 Bad Dreams or just very weird dreams? last night I had the most weird dream as long I can remember... "people were being smashed in some kinda of metal thing, can't really describe, there were car crashs that would blend them like soup or mash potato in color of blood, and I could see the soup dripping on the floor and I remember being terrified that, that could happen to me.. " I wonder if it means anything?!?!

HO HO STILL COPYING

GREAT SITE FOR QUOTES I love quotes, I used to carry around with me a notebook, and everytime I'd see a quote a liked, I would write it down, I haven't been doing that anymore, but I found this website with great quotes from movies, life quotes and etc. Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing. William Shakespeare Life is what happens to you While you're busy making other plans. John Lennon We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. Winston Churchill Where there is love there is life. Indira Gandhi The tragedy of life is not so much what men suffer, but rather what they miss. Thomas Carlyle this is just a few, here's the link. http://www.allgreatquotes.com/life_quotes.shtml